As much as it might pain us to admit it, the most notable physical trait about this month's interviewee might not be his mustache, although both impressive and fear-inducing in its own right.
Instead, it might be his distinctive running gait, which earned him the nickname "The Penguin" from his former manager, Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda.
Of course, we're talking about Ron Cey, who in 17 major league seasons with the Los Angeles Dodgers, Chicago Cubs, and Oakland Athletics amassed a resume that was highlighted by six All-Star selections, a World Series Co-MVP honor in 1981, and 316 lifetime home runs just to name a few.
Among the topics discussed were the major differences between Cey’s era and that of today, getting plunked in the head during the 1981 World Series by arguably the greatest baseball mustache of all time in New York Yankees closer Goose Gossage, and how the baseball and mustache-loving public was deprived of what could have been the most heavily mustached World Series matchup of all time in 1984 between the Cubs and the Detroit Tigers.
Download the Ron Cey Interview (15 MB)
To get an accurate read on the fate of civilization and prepare for the coming apocalypse, who else would we turn to than a writer for "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart?"
Rob Kutner, who is such a writer, is more importantly the author of "Apocalypse How, Turn the End Times into the Best of Times!" It's a guide to surviving the coming apocalypse – but in style!
The book, which the American Mustache Institute proudly endorses, is a comprehensive guide that "walks you through the Nine Most Likely World-Ending Scenarios, and provides useful and inspiring advice on every aspect of surviving (and thriving!) in the new world to come."
It is available through the official quasi-evil book site, or the book is also being peddled through the ever-evil forces of Amazon.com.
Kutner, a contributor to Jon Stewart's book, "America," has also written for HBO's "Dennis Miller Live," as well as humor and feature pieces for the Washington Post, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Esquire, and Maxim. He has collaborated with his wife, TV writer/producer Sheryl Zohn ("Straight Plan for the Gay Man," "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!"), on the comedy short "The Last Parody," and the Raw Impressions movie musical "Til Birth Do Us Part."
For his AMI debut, Kutner had no better options than to sit down with the executive board for a probing (non-anal), wide-ranging interview over soothing glasses of generic drug store brand scotch.
Q: I assume you deal with rapture in your book. How can a man prepare for this without showing weakness and will Jesus have a mustache or the beard he has always been depicted as having?
A: One of the many exciting things about the Rapture - besides, of course, the great opportunities we sinners will have to watch the particularly hot female "Saved" ascend to heaven in their birthday suits – talk about an upskirt! – is that we'll have front-row seats for the ultimate smackdown between Jesus and the Anti-Christ. And since to make sure we know who the Anti-Christ is, he'll need to have a spiky "Evil Spock" goatee, there's a good possibility Jesus will have to ditch his own beard and go for a classy mustache. On the other hand, the Anti-Christ may also elect to have a handlebar – a 1920s villain-style 'stache instead – which would also be cool.
Q: When you white-board a plan for the end-times, can you include "have fun!" as one of the final bullet points?
A: I would make it ALL of the bullet points. The whole point of Apocalypse How is to show you how the end-times will be the best thing to ever happen to us. Imagine no traffic jams, no annoying co-workers or office, and most importantly, the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Goodbye, "Bert the mid-level medical sales rep." Hello, "Ragnar the Insurmountable!"
Q: How much time do you think we have left as a species and do you think the Cubs will win the World Series before then? That'd be one great party if it happened close together, don't you think?
A: I'm personally hoping the apocalypse happens in late Winter, so that it extends the Christmas gift and, um, book-buying season indefinitely. As far as the Cubs winning the World Series, I believe that would actually be the Seventh Sign.
Q: What one recommendation do you have besides getting laid for a man to prepare for the end of the world?
A: Actually, I believe your chances of doing so might increase. Remember all those ladies who've told you – or maybe this is just me – "not if you were the last guy on earth"? Well, what better time to call their bluff. With the need for repopulation, you're suddenly not just allowed, but encouraged, to think with your "little head."
Q: You've done a lot of the signs of the coming apocalypse. Which ones are your favorites? Which ones make you laugh and which ones bring a tear to your eye? Does the return of the mustache potentially put it off a little bit?
A: If you're referring to my site, I think I'm partial to the ones involving robots. Mostly because if they do rise up and rule over us, they won't get the irony and think I was actually praising them, and then they'll let me live. In an apocalyptic world, I think the mustache could be critical, acting as everything from a toxin filter to a food surplus carrier to a vital lip-warmer in the event of a neo-Ice Age.
Q: If the world does end, do you get some kind of royalty for that? Seriously, think about the trademark/website squatting possibilities here!
A: If it happens, I'm hoping to procure actually royalty. As in, people will think me so far-seeing and knowledgeable, they will make me king.
Q: Gas prices certainly seem to be pointing to the end of the known world of Buick Regals and Chevy Blazers. Is a hybrid car compatible with a mustache? Will they even sell you one if you have a mustache? I'm thinking not, but you follow this stuff.
A: Yes, but only if you have hybrid facial hair: say, a beard-stache, or goatee-chops. It's just better for the environment.
Q: Have you ever had a mustache? What in the name of God possessed you to shave it off if you did?
A: I'm embarrassed to say I can't grow a decent one worthy of the name. When I go without shaving, I look more like an Amish minister. For some reason, I feel myself growing repulsed at zippers and eager to churn something.
Q: Don't be embarrassed. Just never forget that we are better than you in every way.
Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post who is best known for his DC Sports BOG blog is a friend to the mustached American. Sure, he doesn't always sport one, but he writes about them with great frequency.
He just got back from the Olympics and we had a lot to discuss. So without a further string of run-on sentences, we give you our interview with Dan.
Q: So Dan, you have the good fortune of working in the sports department of one of the great American newspapers, the Washington Post (all of which, by the way, are dying). Mustached Americans would imagine it's a pretty cool gig: covering major sporting events, interviewing ESPN's Erin Andrews, kicking Michael Wilbon's legs as you each sit in adjacent bathroom stalls. You know, that kind of stuff. Tell us what the experience has been like for you.
A: Well, when I started, I was answering phones, running photocopies, taking down high school box scores and acting insufferably. Someone had told me that the way to get ahead was to proofread stories and point out mistakes, and so I was on some maniacal quest to find every misplaced comma in the section. The editors must have loathed me.
Kornheiser and Wilbon were just getting on ESPN, so I never really got to enjoy them as "regular" co-workers. They were pretty much super-celebs from the beginning. The coolest events I've been to for The Post would include the winter olympics in Turin, George Mason's wild NCAA tournament win over U-Conn in D.C., and the Journey trailer at the world cup of polo. If we're trying to be corny and sappy, I'll say that I do occasionally get a weird thrill from seeing, say, David Broder in the cafeteria. And there are also some great mustaches (like) Dan Keating and Gene Weingarten.
Q: Speaking of Michael Wilbon, he recently said the alterations in the landscape of sports journalism "depresses the hell out of me." Does it bother you when a well-respected peer calls out the medium in which you are excelling, and if so, would you like the mustache nation to find and destroy him?
A: No but thanks for the offer. No, seriously, my problem with all these blanket "woe is the industry" rants is that many of the ranters admit they don't read blogs, fail to recognize the enormous diversity of the medium, fail to understand that some blogs aren't aspiring to do anything more than entertain, and fail to put this in the category of old people never like what comes next. Really, there are probably some media things worth worrying about, I think we'll all survive the scourge of sports blogging.
Q: Indeed, some people should just chill. Speaking of which, Wilbon's comment came on a recent and now infamous edition of HBO's Costas Now which had a special on sports blogging. It was clear on that program that both Bob Costas and the psychotic Buzz Bissinger are not fans of the blogging culture. Were you surprised at just how viciously Bissinger attacked the blog community, and should he be put out to stud or just cremated?
A: I was in Cleveland for the Wizards series when that came out and extremely under the gun, and so I read lots about Buzz's meltdown before I saw it. I don't know. I can't say it surprised me all that much. He seems to be a particularly excitable guy, but lots of old-timey sports journalism people have what they feel are serious concerns about blogs, and I don't think Will defused them very well. It all makes me want to send him 2,000-word arguments about the meaning of sports blogs rather than see him burn. Although the tactics would probably be equally effective.
Q: Let's move on to hair. We all love hair - especially mustached Americans. During the few times you actually witnessed Tony Kornheiser on the Post's premises, as a bald American, did you ever want to walk up to him and suggest he lose the comb-over?
A: But isn't it sort of hard to imagine him totally bald? It's part and parcel of Tony: complaining about life, being rich, being rude to administrative personnel, rocking the comb-over. That's the package.
Q: Even though there are those out there who do not know what a blog is, the "D.C. Sports Bog" has become a very popular online destination for sports fans Washington as well as Geneva, Switzerland and Newark, NJ. Do you take great satisfaction it the Bog's success?
A: Well, I see the numbers every single day, and I'd say "a very popular online destination" would be a subjective phrase. I think one thing we've succeeded in doing in sports is changing the typical Washington Post mindset of how journalists should be spending their time and how they should be sharing their information with readers, which is gratifying. And I'm glad that people have made t-shirts with my face on them. That's gratifying too.
Q: Speaking of your face, you are also the co-host of The Blog Show with Jamie Mottram. How did that gig come about and what's been the most interesting aspect of going from writing – where you are unseen by your reading public – to being seen as a video personality?
A: Well, the Post entered into an agreement with Comcast SportsNet to do a daily hour-long sports program. They wanted to involve me somehow, so I talked to Jamie and the producer, CSN's Adam Littlefield, and we dreamed up sort of a weekly two-man commentary on blog happenings, with a weekly blog guest. The first "episode," (which was) about 10 minutes sprinkled into the regular Wash Post show, was live, and a complete disaster. We cut down the time, cut out the guest, and started doing about eight taped minutes a week. Now, a lot more people recognize me in public, but by "a lot more" I mean probably two a month instead of zero a month.
Q: When you were covering the University of Maryland football team (Randy White, -- mustached American) in 2005, coach Ralph Friedgen actually helped you to determine a name for the Bog when he said, "I don't even know what a bog is." Tell us, are Ralph's problem's glandular?
A: He has a treadmill in his office.
Q: The Bog covers the Redskins, mustaches, the Wizards, the Nationals, the Capitals, D.C. United, mustaches, NASCAR, ultimate fighting, amateur rugby, minor-league basketball, cup stacking, competitive yoga, gourmet cheese, mustaches, craft beer, local bloggers, obscure message boards, reality television, mustaches, gambling addicts and funny hats. Why not cover less soccer and increase more mustaches?
A: Well, you can only go where news takes you. I've written an incredible amount on mohawks within the past 12 months, because a lot of D.C. athletes--including soccer players--have chosen to embrace the mohawk. A Washington Wizard started a beard contest against Drew Gooden, and I covered that extensively. But if the news doesn't focus on mustaches, I'm not gonna try to grow that market artificially.
Q: Tough talk indeed Dan. So O.K., in your mind, who has the best mustache in Washington-area sports history? And what about in all of sports?
A: Looking at a list produced by an expert witness for my blog last summer, I find it tough to argue against Russ Grimm. All of sports? Wow. Al Hrabosky is at least a major part of the discussion.
Q: Changing gears, as a former Delaware resident, we have a three-part question for you. Why does Delaware exist, is it the most irrelevant state in the Union, and are there many mustached Americans there outside of Rehoboth Beach where they are dance to Village People and DePeche Mode music?
A: Delaware exists for tax breaks and tolls, it is not even close to being the most irrelevant state in the Union (hello Dakotas), and I'd say it's in the bottom third of per capita mustaches, although that number might rise during the two weekends of NASCAR racin each year.
Q: So it's been written in the annals of history that you created an international journalistic sensation when you provided Cheese coverage from the XX Winter Olympics in Turin (Torino), Italy. Tell us about that experience and the large, blue hat you wore?
A: I was concerned about finding enough material to write about in Turin, since I've never been skiing, can't ice skate and am scared of bobsleds. I spent 18 months or so working in the cheese industry, and Northern Italy is great for the stuff, so I figured a cheese of the day might work. Little did I know that 1) Northern Italy is REALLY great for that stuff, and 2) There would be a tremendously wonderful cheese shop with entertaining employees in downtown Turin, and 3) All my co-workers would play along. The cheese became about the best thing I did at the Olympics, which is probably sad.
As for the hat, when they told me I needed to pose for a photo I knew I wanted to do it in a Washington Post winter hat. It took me days and days to find one. The online store was sold out. Eventually I got two, one blue, one maroon, from circulation, which distributes them to the newspaper deliver people. I still have both hats. They're great.
Q: So a few specific, D.C. sports questions. Let's begin with the Redskins. We need your help figuring something out. Along with Dwight Clark and Carmen Policy, Vinny Cerrato was involved in the downfall of the once-great 49ers organization. When Dan Snyder brought him to D.C., he hired Cerrato and the Skins began a similar pattern of spending big on senior citizens and getting little in the win column. The only thing that held Cerrato up was the one year Marty Schottenheimer removed him from the organization. So please, tell us, how does Cerrato have a job working in player personnel in the NFL?
A: For all the people around the league who whisper things about Vinny Cerrato (and Dan Snyder, for that matter) behind their backs, the Redskins have made the playoffs two of the past three years. Now, is "making the playoffs" the goal? No, of course not. Were they pretty fortunate both times? Absolutely. Have there been more than their fair share of Brandon Lloyds and Adam Archuletas? I'm not exactly sure, but there have definitely been busts. I just feel like the fan base's blinding rage toward Daniel Snyder for missteps early in his reign and for ridiculously bad customer service have crossed over to every personnel move, when, in truth, the last three years have been pretty darn successful, by and large.
Q: So do you think the Jason Taylor trade is much of the same from Cerrato and Snyder or a good move?
A: Well, I happen to think both are possible. It's straight out of the bad Redskins playbook, but in this case it's a position of massive need, and it actually makes them younger, and the cost wasn't prohibitive.
Q: We at AMI are fans of the Washington Bullets, as are our peers at have Bullets Forever. So tell riddle me this: Is the Wizards the dumbest name in professional sports? And did you find it somewhat silly that Abe Polin kind of jumped to a knee-jerk renaming of his franchise because his late friend Yitzak Rabin was shot by a "bullet"?
A: I wasn't working in the D.C. sports media at the time, and I didn't care a whit about this franchise at the time, so it didn't really bother me. Now? Well, I think the Rabin justification is pretty weak. But considering that the Bullets have played in two areas that have seen their share of violent gun crimes, and appeal to a demographic in this city that has been just battered by gun violence, I don't actually think changing that name was the worst move in the world. Now, Wizards? Awful. Ridiculously, scandalously, embarrassingly awful. There's no surer way to make sure that people will retroactively love the Bullets nickname than choosing a smelly fish-reeking replacement, but those didn't have to be the only two choices. My own choice would have been the Washington Go-Go.
Q: You have a Wikipedia page. Why?
A: I can't remember who started my Wikipedia page or why. I think I asked for someone to do it, because I felt insufficient. But then a co-worker briefly hacked into the page and talked about how depressed I always am, which made me wish I had never asked for the Wikipedia page.
Q: So curious here - what's your favorite organization in the world dedicated to mustaches and why? And will you considering coming to, and blogging from, 'Stache Bash on October 25?
A: The Norwegian Mustache Club.. No, I kid, I kid. I will not be able to make it to Stache Bash, unless its location is moved to my block, but I have considered the prospect of sporting a mustache at the Summer Olympics in China.
Q: Yes, and speaking of those Olympic games, you just got back. How was the experience in Beijing and how did it compare to Turin ?
A: Beijing was fine, I guess, if you like media rooms, media lounges, media seating, media shuttles, the exhaust from media shuttles, the feeling of soot on the inside of your mouth, and media dinners that cost between $2 and $3 and still may have been overpriced.
In Turin, I was childless and intent on having fun in one of the greatest countries of Europe. In Beijing, I missed my daughter, resented being away from the Redskins, and was scared if I ventured off on my own I'd wind up either arrested or dead from smog. So all in all, I liked Turin better.
Q: What's the most interesting thing, team or person you wrote about?
The Icelandic handball team, without any competition. They were funny, they were weird, they were thoughtful, they were an incredible upset story, and some of them believe in magic dwarves-elves-gnomes. Plus they captivated a nation.
Q: Did you miss us while you were gone?
A: Not too much. But I did grow a mustache, in honor of the Croatian water polo team.
It's always nice to talk to someone who's walked with the Gods of his profession, but yet, still clearly has a sense that what's he's accomplished isn't that important in the overall scope of things.
And when that person has a rich, luxurious mustache and a clear commitment to the mustached American race – well then – that is hard to top.
Such was the case when the American Mustache Institute caught up recently with former Philadelphia Phillies third baseman and Major League Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt, who is arguably the greatest all-around third baseman to ever play the game.
Schmidt, who as you can see by his photo once sported the full 1970s fashion triple threat of the mustache, perm, and turtleneck – remains involved with the Phillies organization. He is also working with Minor League Baseball on a campaign to educate people about benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), commonly known as enlarged prostate, a progressive condition in which the prostate becomes enlarged and leads to urinary problems. You can read more about it here.
In the discussion, you'll hear Mike discuss BPH, what's on Pete Rose's bookshelves, who plays the game the right way today, his mustache, and who he thinks will win the 2008 World Series.
Download the Mike Schmidt Interview (5 MB)
If you are not a fan of Louisville-based band My Morning Jacket, you probably should be. If not because MMJ has an eclectic, diverse sound – then maybe it's simply because lead singer Jim James, a freshly minted Mustached American after struggling with beard weevils for years, is clearly AMI's type of guy.
James is funny, self-effacing (for the Mustached American, this means "modest"), clearly good looking, and he loves both the late James Brown and Neil Diamond.
But James and MMJ, which you can listen to here on NPR, are more. Brian Hiatt of Rolling Stone called them, "The five hairy dudes known as My Morning Jacket." High praise indeed. Rolling Stone also wrote that MMJ's album Z, was a, "sprawling, ambitious new album … one of the year's (2005) best rock albums."
And while we have no idea what "sprawling" means in music terms, the rest of it seems to mean the band is good. Real good. Mustached American good. Even Herve Villechaize good.
Regardless, James took a few moments out of his busy schedule touring and serving as a stunt double for Mr. T's new reality show to speak with AMI recently.
Q: Jim, thank you for speaking with the American Mustache Institute. So lately you've shaved the beard and gone with the solo mustache – which means you are more brave and strong then ever before. How does it feel to be as powerful as Burt Reynolds, Billy Dee Williams, and those of us at AMI?
A: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A FAN OF THE WISDOM AND POWER OF THE MUSTACHE. MY DEAR OLD DAD WAS BORN WITH A MUSTACHE, AND WILL ALWAYS ROCK THE STACHE TILL HIS DYING DAY. SO HE WAS A BIG INSPIRATION FOR ME.
HAVING ONLY A MUSTACHE IS A FEELING UNLIKE ANY OTHER. A FEELING OF DEEP PRIDE AND SOPHISTICATION. WHEN I WENT FOR THE ‘STACHE-ONLY WAY OF LIFE, I WAS TRYING TO CONJURE UP SOME OF THE POWER OF JAMES BROWN'S ‘STACHE PERIOD – WHICH I FELT. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS PERFORMANCE OF "THE BIG PAYBACK" ON THE MIDNITE SPECIAL FROM 1974? HOLY SHIT! AT THE SAME TIME, I ALSO WANTED TO FEEL LIKE A TOP RATE T-BALL COACH.
ANYWAYS, I GUESS I DIFFER JUST A LITTLE BIT FROM YOUR STRICT "MUSTACHE ONLY" POLICY IN THAT, WHILE I BELIEVE THAT "MUSTACHE ONLY" IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL LOOKS ONE CAN POSSES, I AM EQUALLY A FAN OF THE MUSTACHE WITH A FULL BEARD. I FEEL EVERY MAN LOOKS BEST WITH HIS GOD-GIVEN FACIAL HAIR, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT A BEARD WITH NO MUSTACHE. THE ‘STACHE MUST BE PRESENT AT ALL TIMES.
Q: We in the faculty and administration at AMI tend to refer to beards and goatees as "spousal compromises," as chin coverage represents weakness as opposed to the more manly, powerful mustache. But it seems like three of your bandmates haven't gotten the message yet. Are you considering having them replaced as a result?
A: THERE HAVE BEEN FINES AND PENALTIES, YES. AND ACTUALLY, CARL HAS ONE OF THE MEANEST ‘STACHES I'VE EVER SEEN. CHECK OUT OUR NEW RECORD TO SEE HIS STACHE! BUT AS I SAID, AS I AM DOWN WITH YOUR PHILOSOPHIES, MY POLICY DIFFERS IN THAT I DON'T SEE THE BEARD AS HURTING THE MUSTACHE - ONLY A DIFFERENT SHADE FROM GOD'S HAIRY TOOL PALLETTE.
Q: So we assume you have a favorite guitar, but have you ever showered with it and will you be placing a mustache on it anytime soon?
A: I BABY ALL MY GUITARS. SHOWERING WITH THEM IS A NORMALLY DAILY ACTIVITY, AS IS SHOWERING THEM WITH GIFTS AND AFFECTION. I TRY ALSO TO ADHERE TO CAPTAIN BEEFHEART'S 10 COMMANDMENTS OF GUITAR PLAYING.
Q: In 2005, Brian Hiatt of Rolling Stone called you, "The five hairy dudes known as My Morning Jacket." Besides the fact that you had a beard at the time, that must bring you much pride, yes?
A: MY HEART SWELLS WITH PRIDE EVEN AS I READ YOU REPEATING IT.
Q: On to more important things like frogs, midgets and your music. You must get sick of the whole "Southern-fried" moniker that it seems many music writers place on you – especially when, if you spend about a second listening to your stuff, it's pretty diverse. Once you cut through all of the B.S., how do you want people to think of MMJ stylistically?
A: I DON'T REALLY CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ABOUT OUR MUSIC. THE THING I REALLY WANT THEM TO REMEMBER IS THAT WE WERE HAIRY. THAT'S WHY WE STARTED THIS GANGSTA' SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Q: You got a lot of publicity for your last album Z. Rolling Stone called it a, "sprawling, ambitious new album … one of the year's (2005) best rock albums." Now that you have a new album out – Evil Urges – does it change the way you look at and appreciate Z?
A: IT IS FUNNY. EVERY TIME YOU MAKE A NEW RECORD, AND YOU GO OUT AND PLAY IT ON THE ROAD, IT SEEMS PEOPLE ARE JUST FINALLY GETTING USED TO THE RECORD BEFORE IT. SO NOW THAT WE ARE OUT PLAYING EVIL URGES SONGS, IT TAKES PEOPLE A LITTLE WHILE TO GET USED TO THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T HEARD THEM AS MUCH. BUT I CAN FEEL THE APPRECIATION FOR THE Z SONGS COME FROM THE CROWD NOW MORE INSTANTLY, WHICH IS COOL.
Q: John Leckie produced Z as well as Radiohead's The Bends. Two questions: Did he ever smack you in the butt and say, "Good job Tiger!" And what was it like working with him and how did it differ from prior experiences?
A: I THINK IT WOULD BE HARD TO SMACK SOMEONE INSIDE OF THEIR BUTT, BUT HE NEVER TRIED. JOHN IS AN ANIMAL - A REAL TROOPER AND A REAL PRESENCE. HIS EARS ARE LIQUID CRYSTAL AND HE HAS A VERY GOOD HANDLE ON HOW MUSIC WORKS. HE ENJOYS LIFE. HE IS ALWAYS THE LAST ONE TO GO TO BED. WE JUST SAW HIM LAST NIGHT IN LONDON ACTUALLY. HE IS AN AWESOME FORCE.
Q: We are mustache experts here. Not music experts. But we dig Evil Urges. The thing that struck us about the album in total is that it's not like listening to a Boston album – each song has unique qualities in and of themselves. Would you agree? And if so, why did you choose to head down this route artistically?
A: I LIKE VARIETY, I THINK IT IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. SO OUR MUSIC HAS ALWAYS COMEOUT THAT WAY - IN VARIOUS FORMS AND SOUNDS. I DON'T EVER WANT US TO BE KNOWN AS ONE "TYPE" OF BAND. WE WELCOME ALL FORM OF MUSIC.
Q: On your current tour, you'll be in Amsterdam (July 8). Would you mind picking up a large package of, well, let's just call it "oregano," for the AMI faculty while there?
A: YES. IT'S IN THE MAIL. HAVE YOU GOTTEN IT YET? MMM....SPICY.
Q: So let's talk about some other musicians. What bands or performers do you dig who don't get enough credit for their talent and why?
A: HMM, WOW, SO MANY. THERE'S A GUY NAMED JOHN CALLAHAN FROM PORTLAND, OREGON. HIS ALBUM IS AWESOME. WILL JOHNSON ALWAYS PUTS OUT AMAZING MUSIC WITH ALL HIS DIFFERENT PROJECTS. DR. DOG FROM PHILLY IS ONE OF THE BEST BANDS OUT THERE NOWADAYS.
Q: Your manager tells us you are a big fan of Curtis Mayfield, as are we huge zealots for Curtis. Why do you think he doesn't get the credit for being the musical genius he was, before his passing a few years back?
A: I THINK WHEN HISTORY LOOKS BACK ON MUSIC AND THE WORLD, CURTIS WILL BE SEEN AS THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF THE BUDDHA. HIS MUSIC WAS SO SOFT AND SWEET AND PEACEFUL, YET ULTIMATELY DYNAMIC AND POWERFUL. SOCIALLY CONCIOUS AND WORLD CHANGING, MIND EXPANDING – BOTH HIS SOLO WORK AND WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.
I THINK PEOPLE JUST JUDGE TOO MUCH. SINCE HE WAS ONLY WIDELY KNOWN FOR THE SUPERFLY SOUNDTRACK I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE WRITE HIM OFF AS "THAT 70'S FUNK DUDE." WHEN IN REALITY, HIS MUSIC WILL ALWAYS SOUND FRESH AND TIMELESS. RIGHT UP THERE WITH BEETHOVEN AND HANDEL AND ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS.
WHEN I HEAR STEVIE WONDER, I HEAR THE SOUND OF LIFE AND SUNSHINE AND FAMILY LOVE. WHEN I HEAR MARVIN SING I HEAR ROMANCE, BUT ROMANCE WRAPPED IN PAIN. WHEN I HEAR CURTIS, I HEAR WISDOM AND PEACE - PROFOUND THOUGHT. I HOPE I GET TO GIVE CURTIS A HUG SOMEDAY.
Q: And speaking of other musicians, AMI is intent on waging a battle with Dave Navarro. Please tell us you think he's a chump as well. Please tell us. Please!
A: YOU KNOW WHAT? IF WE WOULD HAVE DONE THIS INTERVIEW A YEAR OR SO AGO, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE AGREED WITH YOU. BUT I HAVE COME TO FIND THAT IT IS A CONFUSING WORLD OUT THERE, AND EVERYBODY IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK. SOME PEOPLE GET LOST AND GO DOWN DARK PATHS. BUT INSIDE THERE IS STILL A SOUL THAT YEARNS FOR LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM LABELING THINGS GOOD OR BAD. ALL THINGS, WHETHER IT BE A PLANT, OR A ROCK, OR A BEAR, OR DAVE NAVARO, HAVE THE SAME POTENTIAL.
(EDITORIAL NOTE: Dave Navarro sucks.)
Q: Now be honest here. If you could wear Neil Diamond's underpants for a day, would you? And do you think he sports boxers or briefs? We're guessing ruby encrusted briefs.
A: WE JUST SAW NEIL DIAMOND PLAY AT THE GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL. WHAT A HAM! I ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE HIM IN THE BUFF AFTER HE PLAYED LATER ON THAT NIGHT, AND YOU WERE CLOSE, BUT ITS ACTUALLY DIAMOND ENCRUSTED BRIEFS, WITH A SIDE OF PISTACHIO ENCRUSTED TILAPIA.
Q: Kermit the Frog – American hero, a delicious dinner, or both?
A: BOTH.
Q: Not sure if you are a sports fan, but how painful to do you find watching soccer?
A: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES.
Q: You and drummer Patrick Hallahan have been friends since fourth grade, so you obviously have a lot of history together. Have you guys ever woken up on tour one day and said, "You know what, today's a pants-free day, just no pants"?
A: YES, EVERY THURSDAY.
Q: AMI puts on the greatest event known to mankind, 'Stache Bash, in St. Louis each year. Even though your manager has already turned us down – why don't you override him on this one. As an act of kindness in that you'd be supporting a baseball league for handicapped children (Challenger Baseball), why don't you come headline the show this year on Oct. 25? We promise to buy you breakfast at Denny's. The Grand Slam baby! We promise.
A: DOES IT HAVE TO BE ON OCTOBER 25TH? WE LEAVE FOR LONDON THAT DAY! DOH! I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY YOUR ‘STACHE BASH, BUT I ALREADY GOT THEM PLANS. DO YOU DO TWO ‘STACHE BASHES IN A YEAR EVER? KINDA LIKE THE "SEMI-ANNUAL LINCOLNS BIRTHDAY SALE?" LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN SOMETIME.
Q: Finally the AMI faculty and administration were in InTouch Weekly magazine one time across the page from Matt Damon. No question. Just saying. Yeah, that's how we roll.
A: I AM HUMBLED BY YOUR POWER.
There's a solid young actor on the scene today. No, not ALF, a.k.a. Gordon Shumway, as he piqued in the 1980s before his self-titled show was shamefully cancelled. No, this actor is a 31-year-old from Queens, New York, named Hemky Madera.
Now, you may not know Hemky well. Or possibly his face might be vaguely familiar. He's just not yet a household name, yet. But he's on his way.
Hemky, who's name means, "extra large loins made from hemp," began his acting career in the Dominican Republic to much acclaim.
On the widely known television production "Grandes Series Dominicanas" (Great Dominican Series), Hemky played the lead in the mini-series "En La Olla," followed by "Trio en Alta Mar" - both directed by renowned Dominican director and producer Alfonso Rodriguez.
Like most young actors, Hemky bounced around a bit, doing stage work in the U.S. and continuing to work in the Dominican, but he's coming around and getting raves for his work.
Popular Midgets Monthly magazine called him, "Rich, compelling, and just hairy enough to warrant our applause. Three cheers for the Hempster."
His career in the U.S. has included performances with renowned actors such as: Harvey Kietel, Gael Garcia Bernal and Diana Bracho in the film "Dreaming of Julia," where he portrayed a young human rights crusader in 1950's Cuba. He also had a role in "The Lost City" with Andy Garcia, Dustin Hoffman and Bill Murray.
And on television his credits have included spots in shows like "The Shield" and "Law and Order: Criminal Intent."
Most recently, Hemky joined the Showtime hit series "Weeds," which stars total biscuit Mary-Louise Parker as a suburban housewife who deals the chronic. You'll see him in around episode four and moving forward into the season, playing the character "Ignacio," who we suspect may be a homeless, cross-dressing dwarf with a foot fetish. But really, who knows?
Most importantly, as you'll hear in our Monthly Mustache Interview with Hemky, if anything he is more than just good people. He is good, mustached people.
Download the Hemky Medera Interview (3.4 MB)
Justin Fox, a clean shaven mutant but friend to the mustached American, is a business and economics columnist for TIME magazine. Before joining the magazine in January 2007, he spent more than a decade writing and editing for Fortune magazine, where he was the chief economics writer, but also covered topics ranging from international business to technology to investing to high-end Japanese cuisine.
In 2000 and 2001, he was Fortune's Europe editor, based in London, and started his Curious Capitalist blog on CNNMoney.com in 2006.
Previously, Fox worked at the dreadfully boring American Banker, the Birmingham News (who knew Alabama had newspapers?), and the Advance-Register of Tulare, Calif.
For the past 19 years, Fox has been working on a book. He currently has two titles on which he is unsettled. Either The Myth of the Rational Investor, or, Why So Few Monkeys Have Pension Plans. Either way, publishing house HarperBusiness, which signed him up to write the book on the basis of this article in Fortune, hates his guts.
Fox, who currently lives in New York with his wife and son, grew up outside San Francisco, went to college at Princeton (but yet is not a jerk), and lived in the Netherlands for a while.
He recently sat down with AMI to discuss love, life, liver spots, and his pretty green shirt.
Q: You don't have a mustache, you don't drive a large pick-up truck, you do not own a chainsaw, you've never eaten a live chipmunk, and you resemble a 12-year-old Doogie Howser, M.D. with glasses. Tell our audience why they – the Mustacheologists – should be interested in what you have to say on your Curious Capitalist blog and in Time magazine?
A: Because mustache-wearers are wise, and know that truth can be found even in the unlikeliest places.
Q: You are an unabashed soccer fan. Who inflicted this terrible sickness upon you, why did they do it, and would you like a mustached superhero like Chuck Norris or Estelle Getty to find and kill them?
A: The guy (on the left) is Rudi Völler, star and later manager of the German national team, and generally known for having the most ridiculous perm in professional sports. The (other) guy on the right is Frank Rijkaard, star and later manager of the Dutch national team, who has had some dubious hairstyles of his own through the years. And yes, he's spitting on Rudi. It's a famous moment from the 1990 World Cup.
My point is simply that there are many soccer players with mustaches better than Estelle Getty's, and perhaps that explains my attraction to the game. I first started playing really close attention to soccer as a spectator sport when I was an exchange student in the Netherlands in 1982-83. My favorite player then was probably the sometimes-mustachioed Dutchman Ruud Gullit….now coach of the L.A. Galaxy (of U.S. Major League Soccer). But I certainly don't want Chuck or Estelle or anybody else to kill him.
Q: Your TIME magazine columns and Curious Capitalist blog focus on global economics, business, and related issues. Tell us what you are seeing right now? Should Americans be scared about the economic downturn? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
A: Yeah, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not an oncoming train. But it might be a pretty long tunnel. Way too high a percentage of economic growth in this country over the past 25 years, and in particular the last five, has been fueled by rising debt. I don't think Americans can get any more indebted than they are now, so there's inevitably going to be a drag on the economy for several years as people either pay off some of their debt or just go bankrupt.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that this is still a country full of innovative, versatile, hard-working, entrepreneurial people who will find new ways to make themselves and the economy thrive. People like the founders of the American Mustache Institute.
Q: You also just completed a book – that you can purchase here – which took you far too long and in the process made you many enemies at your publisher's office. Tell us a bit about the book – what inspired it, what you hope to accomplish with it, and can it be read on the toilet?
A: Inspired is probably too strong a word. I wrote an article for Fortune in December 2002 about the decline of the efficient market hypothesis, a formerly all-conquering idea among finance professors that basically said the stock market is always right. And then some editor at HarperCollins took me to lunch and said I ought to write a book about it. No employee of a major book publisher had ever said anything like that to me before, so the only response I could think of was, "Okay." It wasn't something I gave a whole lot of thought to.
That said, over the five-odd years I've been working on the book, I've found that the question of how rational/reliable financial-market prices are really is one of the key questions of our age. Maybe not should-I-grow-a-mustache important, but really important. It's a great lens for examining so much of what's gone on in the world over the past quarter century—from the rise of index funds and hedge funds to the huge changes in the way corporations behave and CEOs are paid to the fact that some mortgage broker was able to sell you on an option ARM with payments that are going to triple next month.
Q: As a member of the media, what do you make of all of the changes going on? Give us your take on today's media landscape. Ad revenue is drying up. Many of the reporting jobs are going away. How, as a reporter, do you prepare yourself to remain in the profession with all of the ongoing change?
A: Personally, I try to prepare myself for the future by ingratiating myself with mock non-profit organizations (or maybe it's non-profit mock organizations) devoted to facial hair and other such causes. Beyond that, yeah, it's kind of scary. But it's fun, too. I always hated the whole journalism-as-unfailing-oracle mindset that a lot of people in the profession affected to have (some still do), so I really enjoy a lot of the more conversational, less pompous directions in which media are evolving. I don't know quite how the economics are going to work as the business keeps changing, and lots of media jobs that exist now won't be around in five or ten years. At least I can be confident that Time magazine will be around until the end of Time.
Q: You have a relationship with Tom Friedman of the New York Times. Besides being a mustached American, what's he like? Do you ever want to say to him, "hey, Tom, really, just pretend you have a moderate bone in your body"?
A: Well, he seems to be a really nice guy. Although I got to know him while writing a big article about him for Fortune, so he kind of had to be nice to me. And then he kinda liked the article, so he has continued to be nice to me. My sense is that he's capable of lots of nuance (just read ‘From Beirut to Jerusalem') but he's learned over the years that he's got a better chance of getting through to people when he hits them over the head with stuff. Which is probably something I should learn from. Oh, and he finishes his books a lot more quickly than I do. Which is definitely something I should learn from.
Q: You speak Dutch and actually listen to Dutch radio. Three part question: What is wrong with you? Why should we trust you now? And tell us why mustached Americans should not hate the Dutch?
A: Nothing's wrong with me--Dutch radio rocks. There's this daily radio news show, ‘Met het oog op morgen' (With an eye on tomorrow), that's sort of like 'All Things Considered' except it's on at 11 p.m., includes some musical interludes, and is in Dutch. I listen to it on my iPod a couple times a week in the subway. I was an exchange student in Holland many years ago, and it's a nice way both to keep up and get my news from a different perspective. Basically the only broadcast news I consume on a regular basis is that show, the Daily Show/Colbert, and some Spanish-language newscasts I listen to on the iPod but don't actually understand. If that doesn't make you trust me, I don't know what will. As for the final question: I was under the impression that mustached Americans were lovers, not haters. Also, I prefer the spelling ‘mustachioed.'
Q: Did you know there is a Christian rock band called Justin Fox that you can listen to here? No, really, they've sold 35,000 units in 15 years. They are huge!
A: I've known that ever since I first Googled myself. Actually, ever since I first AltaVistad myself. My blog has enabled me to pass up the rest of the world's Justin Foxes on Google's rankings, but the Justin Fox Band remains No. 1. And I do not begrudge them/him that status.
Q: When you first learned you'd be participating in an interview with the American Mustache Institute – knowing we are the bravest organization on earth – what did you think? Were you intimidated? Intrigued?
A: Funny, I thought the New York City Fire Department was the bravest organization on earth. Or at least in New York. So I guess I went into this interview without fully understanding the courage that would involved.
Q: Finally, as a writer for TIME and previously Fortune, it's occurred to us that you rarely, if ever, see a mustached person on the front cover of leading business magazines. Why?
A: Media bias, pure and simple. Well, that and the dearth of top-rank CEOs with mustaches.
Despite his diminutive stature - in height, of course - Ron Jeremy has been a larger than life figure ever since he first reached the American consciousness, appearing on the pages of Playgirl magazine in October 1978.
Since then, he has become "the undisputed king of the adult entertainment world" over a 30 year film career, as the St. Louis Post-Dispatch recently wrote.
But Ron Jeremy Hyatt, commonly called the "The Hedgehog" as he was first named by actor Bill Margold, is more than that.
He is a pop icon, he's very smart and awfully funny, and while he's better known for the fact that he's performed in nearly 2,000 adult films, he is simply the product of an upper-middle class Jewish family.Born in 1953, Jeremy's father Arnold was a physicist, and his mother, a book editor. He attended high school in Queens, New York with former CIA director George Tenet. He would go on to earn bachelor's degrees in education and theater and a master's degree in special education from Queens College, City University of New York. He then taught special education classes before launching his acting career.
On a frigid January night in rural Illinois, the American Mustache Institute found Jeremy participating in a debate on the campus of Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville with Michael Leahy, a recovering sex addict who is now an anti-pornography campaigner.
And while Jeremy's been the star of such films as "Loose Caboose," "Party In The Rear," and "Chocolate Candy 3" - he proved to be smart, introspective and accountable for his career and industry.
The appearance was one of many during the past four years during which Jeremy has visited colleges as part of the "A Debate on Pornography Tour," defending his industry and carrying on lively debates while students ask questions.
As the tour's promoter, Diane Thompson of Wolfman Productions, said of the event prior, "It's going to be a lot more intellectual than you're expecting it to be. There's a lot more to Ron than being a porn star."
Indeed, she failed to mention he has a glorious mustache, is amazingly accommodating to his fans - waiting more than an hour after the show to sign autographs and snap pictures - and afterward Jeremy sat down with AMI for an interview.
Because we are the bravest organization in the history of mankind, the American Mustache Institute has a close familiarity with some of the top reporters and editors in the news media. Of course, it also may have something to do with the fact that some of our administrators have been arrested for harassment after sending threatening letters to various newspapers across the United States.
Regardless, one such reporter with whom we have become familiar is Claudia H. Deutsch, a long-time business scribe for The New York Times and, how would one say this, quite a piece of work..
The native New Yorker, pictured at left holding a favorite head of iceberg lettuce, is known for her 4'2, 90-lb. frame, the ability to fill that girthy build with an 18-ounce pepper-encrusted rib-eye along with a large baked potato, and the way she can be easily swayed to do almost anything by a man with lip fur. To a lesser extent, Deutsch is also notorious for her forward demeanor, intelligence, and overall dogged reporting style, but who cares about that other than her quaking news sources and the liberal intelligencia who venture outside The New York Post?
When she's not skipping out on work to play squash and tennis with swarthy public relations people, Deutsch is exercising her great sense of social consciousness, focusing much of her reporting efforts on the environmental efforts – or lack thereof – of big business.
In between her reporting and part-time job as a midget wrestler, Deutsch caught up with AMI over cream soda and low-fat wiener schnitzel.
Q: Certainly there were more mustaches per capita in the U.S. in 1978 then there are said soup strainers on Americans' lips today. Why do you think this is so?
A: Aging "Baby Boomers," my dear. We're all in the losing-hair years of life, not the growing ones.
Q: But whereas "Baby Boomers" commonly wore mustaches in the late 1960s and into the 1970s (often accompanied by perms and turtlenecks), you don't see the 30- or 40-somethings of today regularly touting lip fur. Why do you think that is?
A: They're still stuck in their teenage rebellion. Daddy – and mommy – electrolysis hurts! – had beards and staches, so they'll be damned if they will. Same reason so many of the kids of us make-love-not-war folks became masters of the universe. Good thing, too – these hairless wonders will pay for our nursing homes.
Q: As a business reporter, you spend much of your time covering segments of corporate America. It would seem like corporate America has taken a position against facial hair as you rarely see the modern-day C.E.O. with a mustache or beard. Does facial hair represent a less-than-professional appearance?
A: All their companies have been under pressure from the women's movement to promote more gals. So the guys are keeping a low-facial-hair profile in hopes that they can pass.
Q: What are both the most fascinating and alarming trends in big business today?
A: Clearly, the growing lobbying efforts, led by the Business Roundtable, to remove the tax on oil and substitute a tax on facial hair.
Q: For people who follow media trends, it's understood there is a tremendous sea change going on in today's media world. People are flocking online for news, the amateur Blogosphere is exploding, radio is not even on a young person's radar today with alternatives like the IPod. What is your perspective on all of the change and how do you see it impacting you?
A: We have a secret project going – I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you – that will result in turning ink stained hands into a fashion statement, and ink stained wretches into sex symbols. And we are persuading Harvard and Yale to consider ability to solve the Saturday New York Times crossword puzzle as above SAT scores in admissions decisions.
Q: What would you tell a young aspiring reporter coming out of college today?
A: Don't invest in your company's stock.
Q: If you had not gone into journalism, would you be involved in midget wrestling, burlesque, or both?
A: I'm not an either/or kind of gal. I (currently) wrestle midgets – people my height – in burlesque theaters when I'm in between deadlines.
Q: Despite your vertical challenges, you are perceived as a very tough reporter. When you are on the other end of the phone, should public relations flacks be scared, prepared, or aroused?
A: As I said before, I'm not an either/or kind of gal. All of the above, and then some.
Q: You get "pitched" a lot by public relations flacks as they try to get you to write positive stories about their clients or companies. What is the dumbest non-mustache-related pitch you've received?
A: The company that recently tried to persuade me that they had instituted telecommuting as part of their sustainability program -- completely forgetting that I had done a story on them more than 15 years ago, when they instituted telecommuting as a way to hold onto young women who were leaving to stay home with their kids.
Q: You tried to be a flack once – for about 11 days – that must have been an enriching experience. Is it true you are still in therapy?
A: No. But my clients are still in bankruptcy.
Q: You're best known for your business reporting but you also write a lot of obituaries too. How did you get into writing obits?
A: I misunderstood when the editors said my writing was deadly.
Q: Who's the most fascinating person you've ever written an obituary about?
A: In my mind I've written obituaries for many fascinating people, who quite unfortunately are not yet dead. But a girl can hope, and be prepared.
Q: Do you ever get confused between the stiffs in the coffins and the stiffs in the board rooms?
A: No. The stiffs in the coffin can be counted on to stay dead. The boardroom stiffs are straight out of George Romero.
Q: Speaking of stiffs – brilliant ones at that – you work with Tom Friedman who has a fine mustache. Do you ever want to run your fingers through his Labia Sebucula (Latin for "Lip Sweater)?
A: I'm taking the fifth. I would not want to make the other mustachioed men in my life jealous, nor would I want to raise expectations among other mustachioed fellows.
Q: On the subject of journalistic mustaches – are there any other New York Times mustaches the AMI should have on its radar, and do you think Walter Cronkite retiring killed the mustache in broadcast news? The timing seems to line up appropriately doesn't it?
A: A lot more of the Gray Lady staches are indeed gray, rather than spunky dark. Clearly an old timer's conceit. And don't Geraldo Rivera and John Stossel have mustaches? (Oh lord, am I suggesting that Walter Cronkite's legacy is Geraldo Rivera? Aye yi yi!
Q: As someone with German roots and who speaks the tongue (and kisses that way too), do you find it surprising, interesting or refreshing to know that the American Mustache Institute is working with the 1964 East German women's shot-put team on a membership role in the AMI?
A: I have gray roots, not german ones. I do not kiss like a German, I kiss like a Latvian. Grammar, syntaxt, ain't your strong suit, eh? It is common knowledge that the original idea for the AMI was sparked by a group photo of that 1964 team. So I think it's surprisingly refreshing that you are acknowledging -- and returning to -- your roots.
Q: But do you like wiener schnitzel in your lederhosen?
A: Nope -- but I'm highly appreciative of wieners in YOUR hosen.
Q: Finally, besides heads of lettuce and half-eaten Rally's chicken sandwiches, what other non-battery operated devices do you like to carry around in your bag around the streets of New York?
A: You're spying on me! How did you know that I just ate an entire head of iceberg at my desk! A staple remover to pull down pictures of people I like that have been defaced with a crayoned-on mustache. And a black magic marker so I can mustache some pictures of my own choosing.
Most people either love or hate Norman Chad.
Publishers Weekly said, "Chad is a hilariously funny TV sports critic whose philosophy is that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing to excess."
A knucklehead named Drew, on the Pardon The Interruption Blog Spot wrote this about Chad, "I have to admit that I haven't thought much about Norman Chad until quite recently. He's pretty much a below-average L.A. sportswriter (the poor man's Bill Plaschke if you will) who lucked into a job as 'tournament poker expert', proving everyone wrong who asserted that there's no such thing."
So who is Chad? He's a long-time mustached American and hilarious Los Angeles-based sportswriter and syndicated columnist who is often seen on ESPN alongside Lon McEachern during the network's World Series of Poker coverage.
Chad also is an occasional guest host on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, capably filling in for his former Washington Post pals Tony Kornheiser or Michael Wilbon, and has appeared as both host and movie critic on the ESPN Classic series Reel Classics.
The commonality is most of Chad's work is his frequent references to his failed marriages, and some of his most entertaining pieces come via his weekly "Couch Slouch" column, which closes with "Ask the Slouch." If a reader's question is selected, the reader wins $1.25 in cash, paid by the mysterious character "Shirley."
Before "Couch Slouch, for 11 years Chad made NFL predictions against the spread in his syndicated column "The Man," in which it is rumored he picked the winners by flipping a coin. And in 1993, Chad wrote a book called "Hold On, Honey, I'll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime (Confessions of a TV Sports Junkie)." The book is a compilation of Chad's thoughts on ESPN as a sports network, as well as criticism of different sports programs, including Monday Night Football, but is currently out of print.
Chad, a graduate of the University of Maryland graduate and native of the Washington, D.C.-area, was kind enough to answer the ridiculous questions of the American Mustache Institute.
Q: Like it or not, you have very much become a public figure to those delinquents and alcoholics who have come to know you from your columns and work on ESPN's "World Series of Poker" coverage and "Pardon The Interruption." At the same time, you continue to wear a full, delicious mustache. How can you be so brave?
A: I wouldn't characterize it as "brave," I'd characterize it as "hating to shave." I'd have a beard, too, except it makes me look like Yasser Arafat's second cousin.
Q: Do you believe there has been an organized conspiracy dating back to the early 1980s to keep the mustached American down?
A: In my lifetime - and I was born in the waning days of the Eisenhower administration - there has not been a single U.S. president with a mustache. Have you seen the cattle call of losers into the White House over the last half-century? So if there's been an organized conspiracy to keep the mustached American down, someone's making a BIG MISTAKE.
Q: Just how stupid is the college football Bowl Championship Series (BCS) system, and if you were in charge, how would you fix it?
A: The BCS makes no sense. And, yet, I wouldn't fix it. I would prefer the whole lot of sports radio types, sports columnists and Internet bloggers to simply lose their voices shouting about the injustice of it all.
Q: On "World Series of Poker" telecasts you often say a player has "squadoosh" when they are bluffing. Is it true that comes from a Yiddish word that Tony Kornheiser's grandmother used to utter during sex?
A: I am not aware of Tony Kornheiser's grandmother ever having sex.
Q: On WashingtonPost.com, it says you were "Once an aspiring concert pianist," and that you, "now work as a cigarette girl on Carnival Cruise Ships and watch 'Nick At Nite' most weekend evenings." Our question is - is that gig open now and how much does it pay ? And why would you leave that and come back to ESPN and writing columns?
A: That gig is not open - I still work as a cigarette girl (menthols sell really well in mild weather) and I still watch 'Nick At Nite' most weekend and weekday evenings.
Q: Who do you hate most and why: ex-wife number one, ex-wife number two, professional poker player Phil Hellmuth, or Michael Wilbon (of the Washington Post and ESPN)?
A: I don't hate any of them. Each of my ex-wives is a lovely woman, Phil Hellmuth is a fascinating cartoon character who makes my poker-announcing job easier and Michael Wilbon is, uh…..I'm sorry - who is Michael Wilbon?
Q: As the dozens of people who read your stuff know, you end your "Couch Slouch" column with the words, "Pay the man, Shirley." Who is Shirley? Are you her pimp? Does she receive medical benefits? Or, are you actually channeling the late Washington Post scribe and your former co-worker Shirley Povich?
A: I met Shirley at a Toto concert in Pahrump, Nevada, then we bumped into each other again at Bob's Big Boy in Burbank, California. I followed her home - she was living in a loft at a local YWCA at the time - and offered her a job on the Couch Slouch staff. She told me she would take it, contingent on me wiping the catsup off my shirt. We've been together ever since. As for Shirley Povich, who was my favorite sports columnist when I was growing up, I could never channel him. He was the best. By the way, your "dozens of people" crack did not go unnoticed.
Q: As a University of Maryland graduate and all-around player-hater, you are one of the leaders of the modern-day Anti-Duke (basketball) movement. If Mike Kryzewski was running for president and was backed by Chuck Norris and Burt Reynolds, as well as supportive of a free-fish-for-everyone amendment - would you support him?
A: Let me say this: I was anti-Duke well before Coach K came to Durham. I was even anti-Duke before I met John Feinstein (though it was Feinstein who cemented my sentiments). Anyway, free fish is overrated - unless it's really good yellowtail or Nova Scotia salmon - so nobody is going to win my support on that platform.
Q: Somewhat serious question: who do you respect most in the sports world today and why?
A: I live in Los Angeles, and it's impossible not to acknowledge Magic Johnson. He had virtually his whole world taken away from him 16-17 years ago, and ever since then, he has spread money, business and opportunity throughout disadvantaged communities.
Q: All seriousness aside, what is worse: your comb-forward or Tony Kornheiser's comb-over?
A: Kornheiser's comb-over, I believe, is in the Guinness World Book of Records. As for my comb-forward, I had a comb-back haircut until 1994. Then a friend of mine - a hair stylist in L.A. - decided to give me a Caesar's cut (whatever that is). Right after that, I was visiting D.C., and my mother was emphatic in telling me how much she liked my new haircut. So I kept it. Heck, IT WAS MY MOTHER.
Q: For years you wrote on the virtues of your beloved Rolling Rock beer despite its pedestrian taste. In August 2007, you wrote you were now a PBR man. Take us through the scientific testing, the involvement of your flavor-saving mustache, and explain how you came up with your results?
A: Scientific testing? Are you nuts? Here was the evolution: (1) Rolling Rock was my pedestrian beer of choice since college. (2) Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock, forcing me to abandon it for life. (3) I foolishly followed a reader suggestion to adopt Shiner Bock as my new beer. (4) I dropped Shiner Bock after a short while and launched a search for a new beer-for-life. (5) PBR was a runaway choice. Just saying, "PBR me ASAP!" adds so much joy and fulfillment to my Tuesdays.
Q: Would you agree that the mustached American prefers the aptly named Hardee's Monster Thickburger as opposed to the questionably titled McDonald's Big Mac?
A: There is a California-based chain called Fat Burger that makes the Monster Thickburger look like a Slim Jim. With or without a mustache, who wouldn't want to eat a Fat Burger?
Q: What celebrity to do you think would have to grow a mustache for it to make a stronger comeback?
A: Bea Arthur.
Q: Women flee from you faster than John Kruk retreats from a salad bar. What is it about your newest wife Toni that will help this marriage stick?
A: She lost a bet.
Q: Finally, you once wrote that, "If he's available, I'm hiring Keith Jackson to call my funeral." Besides "Oh, doctor," what should he say?
A. I just hope he doesn't bring Tim Brandt along to work color.
You know Harry Shearer. You may not know you know Harry, but you know him. An actor, author, director, satirist, musician, radio host, playwright, multi-media artist and record label owner – his talents are in the heads of millions worldwide thanks to his voice work for The Simpsons where he plays characters Mr. Burns, Smithers, Ned Flanders, Rev. Lovejoy and Scratchy.
A child of Hollywood, Shearer made guest appearances on a variety of A-list television series while still in his teens on such shows as The Jack Beeny Program, General Electric Theatre, and Alfred Hitchcock Presents.
In the early 1980s, he and friends Michael McKean and Christopher Guest, along with director Rob Reiner, developed the idea for a fake documentary about an aging heavy metal band. The resulting movie, "This Is Spinal Tap," in which Harry played mustache hero Derek Smalls, became the granddaddy of the mockumentary genre and gave the world new insight into spontaneously-combusting drummers.
More recently, in July, 2007, Shearer plunged into the on-line video universe when the Harry Shearer Channel became a cornerstone of My Damn Channel, an entertainment studio and new media platform specifically created to empower artists to co-produce, distribute and monetize original, episodic video content. Each week a new political or pop culture satire written by and featuring Shearer is unveiled.
He was kind enough to endure a few minutes speaking to the American Mustache Institute for it's Monthly Mustache Interview.
Q: Why on earth did you start acting at age seven? Were your parents trying to torment you?
A: Quite the opposite. It wasn't their idea, it was the idea of my ex-piano teacher-turned-children's agent. But it was the fulfillment of my fondest desire as a kid, to hang out with the grownups. I got to hang out with, at the time, the coolest grownups imaginable, the cast and crew of "The Jack Benny Program," while still staying in public school.
Q: What do you think the return of the mustache would mean for American culture?
A: It would mean Geraldo Rivera might not feel so terribly alone.
Q: Two of your memorable film roles involved strategic facial hair (Derek Smalls and Mark Shubb). Did you take the method actor approach and actually become a mustached / bearded-American? If so, how did your life change when you had facial hair?
A: I grew the facial hair for Mark, and I believe I did the same for Derek (I know I grew it for D when we went on tour in '92). Frankly, the facial hair for Derek scares some people. I got some "here comes the perp looks" when I walked into a store. But far more disruptive to my normal life was the shaved head and facial hair for Mark. That was two and a half months of, "Since when you did become Amish?"
Q: Do you think you might go by "Harry" rather than "Harold" as a subliminal wish that you wore the Derek Smalls mustache your entire life?
A: Harry is my given name.
Q. Who was your mustache hero that you used as a role model when you first grew a mustache?
A: I think the first mustache I wore was in a short film I wrote and directed, and the character was the straight, rather clueless client in the "making of" an industrial show.
Q: We certainly hope it was a mustached character – but of all of the characters you've played, was Derek Smalls your favorite? If not, what's wrong with you?
A: Yeah, D's my favorite, I've clearly spent more time with him, and as him, than any other.
Q: In the greatest animated program of all time – The Simpsons – you play the voices of Mr. Burns, Smithers and Ned Flanders. Flanders is obviously your favorite because of his mustache, love for Jesus, and that he is left handed – but what has been the most interesting aspect of your affiliation with the show?
A: Probably the delight I saw in the audience's faces the few times we performed an episode of the show "live" in a theater. That was amazing.
Q. Why do you think Ned Flanders is the only mustached character on the Simpsons? Can you get that changed? Come'on, you could if you really wanted to.
A: Frankly, they wouldn't listen to me if I told them their houses were being robbed.
Q: When you first heard there was an entity called the American Mustache Institute, did you think the apocalypse was upon us?
A: No, but I did think it should be a foundation instead of an institute. Personal preference, I guess.
Q: You had a long-standing and successful relationship with Christopher Guest, who at times has worn a mustache (The Princess Bride). Tell us a little about your relationship with him? Do you think he is he a better film maker with or without a mustache?
A: I've worked for Chris as a director when he had a mustache and more recently when he had strange hair and other anomalies. Through it all, he's a wonderful director, surrounding his actors with an environment of trust that's essential to doing this kind of work.
Q. You live part-time in New Orleans, a city that encourages non-conformity? Does a mustache make more sense in a place like that than in L.A.? Are we a little obsessed with this subject (never mind, don't answer that)?
A: I think New Orleans' idea of non-conformity goes so far beyond the notion of growing a mustache that it's not even funny. Or rather, it's very funny. When you come to notice as a regular part of your neighborhood walk to buy the morning paper a dwarf on a bicycle, that's New Orleans.
Q. Have you ever thought about visiting St. Louis, the home of the world's largest mustache? We have an airport and roads and everything, in case you want to. You can stay at the Institute's bachelor apartment overlooking the arch.
A: I have visited St. Louis. Next question, please.
One of the most beloved entertainers and pop icons from the Disco era, multi-platinum recording artist and American Music Award winner Randy Jones is best known as the cowboy in Village People.
Renowned entertainment writer Liz Smith's choice of all the Village People to achieve individual fame, lately Jones' profile has been elevated due his role narrating the award-winning documentary "When Ocean Meets Sky," and his feature interviews in documentaries "The Godfather of Disco," and VH-1's, "NY77: The Coolest Year in Hell".
Also a favorite feature on VH-1's Best Week Ever, MTV and E!, Jones keeps up a very busy pace, making personal appearances in venues like Trump's Atlantic City Taj Mahal, the 2005 Presidential Inaugural Ball, serving as a fixture at Kentucky Derby events, and most recently, his ongoing 2007-2008 "Ticket to the World" international concert tour.
In spite of his frenetic schedule, Jones found time to sit down with the morons of the American Mustache Institute.
Q: What was it like being a founding member of arguably one of the most famous acts in the history of American Music?
A: Being a founding member and the original cowboy of Village People was a great experience and a fantastic opportunity. We worked very hard those first four years to make an indelible impression not only on pop music but on pop culture itself. We were successful, if I do say so myself. There aren't many hours of the day that one of our songs isn't heard somewhere on this planet. At a Yankee's game this past summer, I experienced the seventh inning stretch where they play "YMCA" at every home game. Seeing Yankee Stadium filled to capacity with 58,000 people all standing while doing those letters with their hands with me on those Jumbotron screens was a rather awesome experience. That has to figure right up there on the list with my solo performance for a president at a Presidential Inaugural Ball and for the Queen (of England) at a command performance. I'm not sure I would have had those recent opportunities had I not been a founding member of Village People.
Q: Do you miss the days when the Village People were at their peak of fame?
A: Not at all. Don't get me wrong, those were some heady days for sure, but I'm not the type of guy that wants to do much back pedaling. That period was loads of fun, with tons of opportunities, but I've been exceedingly fortunate to have been part of something that has continued to provide me with a consistent and really great career. Not only with an abundance of opportunities to perform, but the luxury of choice.
Q: More importantly, do you miss the days when you could score pretty much any drug you wanted for free?
A: Not so much at this point in life. The recovery time just ain't worth it.
Q: You, of course, are known as the "Cowboy." But before you started in the group, had you ever worn a cowboy hat and how often do you wear it today?
A: I'm from North Carolina and spent a lot of time working on a family farm, so I've always been completely comfortable in boots, jeans and hat. In fact, that's what I had on the first time I ever met the VP (Village People) producers when they asked me to help create the group. And today I wear it whenever I want – especially after the check has cleared.
Q: Do you ever get tired as being known as "The cowboy from The Village People" and simply want to be known as Randy Jones, all around delicious guy?
A: Nope, I never get tired of any of it. I'm so very glad that I still get invited to the party. As long as they don't call me 'Randy Johnson.' Besides, it's a great legacy to have – one that leaves everyone with a smile on their face. And thanks for the tasty compliment!
Q: What did you think of "Brokeback Mountain?"
A: It is an incredibly sensitive film. Ang Lee is a really talented and courageous director. And what with all the middle of the night phone calls that I received from Jake and Heath during filming, I should have gotten a credit as a technical advisor.
Q: What's happened to the mustache? It has clearly fallen out of favor since the early 1980s. Was it the mustache's association with all things 1970s – like disco, perms and turtlenecks – and the backlash against those things as we entered the 1980s?
A: You got me on that one. As I travel around as well and here in Manhattan, I seem to see a real resurgence in facial hair. Maybe there's something to it after all.
Q: Was there an organized right-wing conspiracy against both Bill Clinton and the mustache?
A: Definitely, at least according to Hillary.
Q: But let's be honest. You're someone who's kept your lip hair for all of these years. How can you be so brave?
A: I guess it must be because I've just got a big set of 'em! It's easy to be brave. Hey after all, I'm the guy who sings songs like "Macho Man," "In the Navy," and "YMCA." One has to have balls to do all that. Besides, I like my mustache, so I've kept it since 1973.
Q: Important question – at least to the American Mustache Institute. Who's sexier: Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A: That's a call for the ladies. I know Tom's got the height on him, but he may not even have the moustache anymore. And Burt doesn't look too much like Burt anymore.
Q: As the 1970's came to a close and the "Disco Sucks" movement came about, was that personally hurtful to you?
A: Not really. I didn't take it personally. It really began from that DJ in the Midwest who needed to rail against something and he tapped into a homophobic vibe that he recognized. Nothing really changed. They just changed the name from 'disco' to 'dance' music and the beat played on. Truth be known, it continues to this day.
Q: Tell us about your new album, "Ticket to the World"?
A: My latest CD is titled "Ticket to the World" and appropriately so. Since June, besides going from coast to coast here in the US, I've traveled to Australia, Asia, Latin America and Europe doing appearances and concerts to promote it. It's my own individual take on a rather eclectic pop collection of tunes. We've gathered a wide range of material by some of the best pop writers in the business including Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, Jim Steinman, Depeche Mode, Robbie Williams & Kylie Minogue, the Pet Shop Boys, Neil Diamond and even a gem by the Bee Gees. My producer is the great Frosty Lawson with Will Grega as my executive producer. An entire CD of remixes, "Ticket to the Remix," is due for release in Spring of 2008.
Q: What's next on the career horizon for Randy Jones?
A: I'm currently in New York working on a new film, "The Gentleman," to be released later in 2008. I'm working on a book to come out June 2008. It's about my perspective on pop culture of the 20th century, particularly the last fifty years … I'm doing personal appearances … I have concert dates all over the place in support of "Ticket to the World" booked thru 2008.
Q: Last question: Who is a more talented actor – Mr. T or the late Herve Villechaize?
A: Well, that's a tough one. I worked with Herve on "Fantasy Island" and he was a rough lil' rascal, but Mr. T is still around and might try to kick my ass if I put him in second place, so I'm gonna declare it a draw if that's alright. I definitely don't like to get into no scuffles 'cause I still got some things left to do.
While USA Today's Craig Wilson no longer wears a mustache, he has certainly demonstrated that he is a friend of the mustached American. And for that matter - the mustache humanoid.
Wilson is a popular feature writer and columnist, perhaps best known for his "The Final Word" column which he's written at USA Today for the past decade. He is also the author of "It's the Little Things: An Appreciation of Life's Simple Pleasures" (Random House). Wilson was kind enough to sit down with the American Mustache Institute recently for a Monthly Interview.
Q: You once had a mustache. Why on God's green earth did you remove it?
A: It was turning grey, then went all white. I thought it made me look older than I was.
Q: Your brother still has a mustache. Are you jealous in any way?
A: No, not really. I think he looks like a bit of a jerk with it now.
Q: Should the removal of the mustache be a crime against nature?
A: Depends. I love mustaches and I LOVED mine. Very Tom Selleck it was. And then...
Q: You are a social commentator and you certainly don't see as many mustaches – nor perms or turtlenecks (outside of this USA Today photo of you) – very often anymore. What killed the mustache? And for that matter, perms too?
A: I think it's just a cycle. I wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years everyone has a mustache again. Just like 1970.
Q: There is no question the mustache is on the rise but still in a tough period. What will bring the mustache back?
A: As I said, it's a cycle. I bet what could bring it back faster is if a BIG star sported one. That would do it.
Q: Former Houston City Councilman Joe Roach, who was the first dwarf elected to office in a major American city, once said, "I want to be known as a good council member or a bad council member, not a Republican midget." Do you agree with his premise or is there a middle ground?
A: I agree with the councilman's premise.
Q: Was Herve Villechaize the finest actor of our generation?
A: No. Not even close. A small talent.
Q: Do you believe Tom Selleck's sex appeal was drastically reduced when he shaved his mustache for "Three Men & A Baby?"
A: Yes. It was the only thing he really had going for him and he got rid of it.
Q: Recent polls have shown that one-fifth of Americans can't find the United States on a map. Why do you think that is?
A: Well, a weak education system for one. I'm amazed people I work with don't even know where things are and they work for a national newspaper. I drew a map of New York State once and asked a colleague who grew up in Brooklyn to put in the upstate cities of Buffalo, Rochester, etc. She didn't have a clue. Wasn't even close. I found it all quite amazing, and depressing. I've always loved geography. I think you could give me a blank map of the USA and I could pretty much put most things in their proper place. Is there a mustache connection here somewhere?
Q: As a recovering reporter, let me ask you, why on earth did you get into journalism and where did you begin?
A: I often ask myself the same question. We joke here at the paper that newspapers were invented to employ those of us who are not employable in mainstream society. But I love it. It's not quite what it used to be, but newspapers are still filled with their fair share of characters. Not enough drinkers anymore, but...My first job out of journalism school was at a small paper up in the Adirondacks of New York State.
Q: Many print reporters work their entire careers trying to write for a USA Today, a New York Times, or a Wall Street Journal. You've reached it, you are 57, and your USA Today employment contract says they can legally shoot you along the median of I-495 right outside your building after age 55. Is there another writing chapter for Craig Wilson, and if so, what does it look like?
A: Yes, that's true, but so far they haven't taken me out there yet. Not sure why. Is there life after USA Today, you're asking? I think there is. I just don't know what it is yet. A book maybe? Running a coffee shop? Who knows? I'll keep you posted.
Q: If USA Today were a mustache, what kind would it be and why?
A: Short, neat, of course. Well trimmed. No excess.
Q: You've been writing your Final Word column at USA Today for a decade? Does your dog Maggie help you find your writing Zen?
A: Yes, she does. And Murphy, who died two years ago, did too. Both sit by my desk and look at me as if to say, "Well, Bud, what's on your mind this week?" Sometimes it's quite obvious there's not much on my mind.
Q: Your eyebrows are very, very dark. Do you shop in the same stores as Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier?
A: That's a very private matter.
Q: Give us your final word on the mustache.
A: On the right person, there's nothing better. On the wrong person, there's nothing worse.
If you've watched national television over the past 35 years, more than likely, you are familiar with Pat O'Brien.
O'Brien has hosted The Olympic Games, Superbowls, NBA championship series' and the World Series - and that's just his sports resume. You also might remember him from his hosting days on "Access Hollywood" and O'Brien now hosts "Entertainment Tonight" spin-off "The Insider."
But that's just the tip of O'Brien's versatility. He's appeared in The Simpsons, P. Diddy videos, South Park, a film adaptation of Scooby Doo, and more.
And, for some God-forsaken reason, he was kind enough to sit down with the knuckleheads at the American Mustache Institute for the October 2007 Monthly Interview.
Q: How old were you when you first grew your mustache?
A: Twenty three...1970! Just started working for David Brinkley and thought the Geraldo look was cool for journalism.
Q: You have proudly worn a mustache on network television when so many others would not. Why are you so brave?
A: Well, my Dad – the late, great Joe O'Brien – had a pretty cool mustache his whole life. He told me he grew it because his upper lip was so thin. But there's nothing wrong with carrying on your dad's legacy.
Q: Has any TV executive asked you to shave your mustache? How hard did you hit him?
A: No. When I first went on the air in Chicago in 1976, Geraldo Rivera was all the rage and so I became Chicago's Geraldo. It was a badge of honor. I wanted to shave it off a couple years ago and the network bigs said "that's your look, are you crazy?" So here I am.
Q: When was the last time you went without and mustache and what on God's green earth were you thinking?
A: I shaved it off in the early ‘90s for a spell. Everybody lied to me and said how great I looked. Then my seven-year-old son told me the truth. "Not a good look, Dad." So I grew it back and then everybody else said "good decision, you looked like hell."
Q: Not many Irish Americans have mustaches. Is it genetic or religious?
A: Irish Americans always go for the tough, rugged look. And, for the most part, we're handsome. It's our accessory.
Q: Beginning in 1981, the national television audience has seen you on television – first as a long-time sports reporter and anchor on CBS, and then hosting entertainment programs "Access Hollywood" and "The Insider." You are a part of media history over the past 35 years. What role has your mustache played in your success?
A: Made it easier for politicians, newsmakers and athletes and celebrities to pick me out in a crowd. If I was meeting somebody who didn't know me I could say "the guy with the mustache."
Q: What sporting event was the most fun to cover?
A: I was fortunate to be part of nine Olympics. That frames your career in sports. But I loved the NBA with Magic, Larry, Jordan and the fellas. Hosted four Superbowls and a bunch of baseball World Series. It was all good.
Q: Without the likes of a modern-day Walter Cronkite, do you worry that young people coming out of journalism school today see so few broadcasters with mustaches that they will be afraid to grow them and proudly wear a ‘stache on air?
A: Well, VH-1 had the mustache song video. But I think its the kind of thing that comes and goes. Speaking of Cronkite, Jimmy Kimmel – my good non-mustached friend – calls me the "Cronkite of Crap."
Q: With your background, you of all people understand we live in a celebrity-driven culture. Who are the celebrities that will have to wear mustaches before the mustached American is back in fashion once again?
A: Well, Brad Pitt and Clooney go in and out. But I think it's back when Brittany Spears sports one.
Q: You were once on the Simpsons. Did you want to kick Ned Flanders' ass for trying to show you up with his ‘stache?
A: Yes.
Q: In 2001, you had a cameo appearance in P. Diddy 's "Bad Boy For Life" music video. How many times during the filming of the video were you offered weed?
A: There were no weeds. Those lawns were nicely groomed.
Q: Who do you think has the greatest sports mustache? What about the greatest celebrity mustache?
A: Hands down Joe Namath. No contest. Celebrity – hands down Tom Selleck. We joke about it all the time that he, Geraldo, Dr. Phil and I are holdouts.
Q: Don't you think Ben Davidson's mustache could easily beat up that of John Waters'?
A: Never underestimate a skinny mustache.
Q: One blogger wrote that in the hierarchy of American educational institutions, the American Mustache Institute lies somewhere between M.I.T. and the University of Alabama. Where does your alma mater the University of South Dakota fall?
A: Somewhere between P. Diddy and Barry Manilow.
Q: "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed"…….why?
A: I have five cars and four houses. And my life is a cartoon. Why not high five Scooby!
Never one to shy away from a special, if not odd, honor for his personal style, Alexander Antebi accepted an exclusive invitation be one of fifty members of Beard Team USA to compete in the 2007 World Beard and Mustache Championships in Brighton, England September 1, 2007.
Representing the U.S. in the "Imperial Mustache" (the handle bar mustache in layman's terms), Antebi was not only one of the youngest competitors in this globally covered event, but he won it in 2007.
The American Mustache Institute recently caught up with Antebi for its Monthly Mustache Interview.
Q: How long have you had a mustache?
A: Four years.
Q: What prompted you to grow it?
A: A crush with the old world and the 70s. I am lost in antiquity. It was just something I did and the more it grew, the more I grew into it. A mustache is a funny thing. Once a person starts to get some length and growth, the hairs start going in different directions and dictate to the owner or host what kind of mustaches they should have.
Not every kind of mustache will work on every face unless one uses a lot of product or heat tools, which defeats the purpose. A mustache is a extension and celebration of one's manhood and individual identity. Like a finger print, no two mustaches are alike. So, finding or growing into one's true stache is a combination of listening to one's body and within one's options, finding a style that suits one's face and character. This is the journey of this man and his stache.
Q: Have you experienced discrimination because of your 'stache?
A: An interesting question. Yes, in fact, but I don't think it is just my stache. I have very brown hair and a smile, style and profile all my own. In certain Middle Eastern countries and cultures people did not understand how someone with such a stiff, masculine upper-lip appendage could have long hair, which is viewed in these other cultures as quite feminine. It was a contradiction. People were attracted and fascinated, but a bit puzzled when I walked down the street.
People from these same conservative groups in other countries like Sweden and Denmark make comments, which I luckily do not understand. I may be a dandy, but I am man. I have a hairy chest, a man's walk, talk, so my long hair combined with some tight "Alexander Antoinette" bell bottom pants and red snake skin boots is probably not something that the people who are making comments have ever seen before.
Q: Have you observed how mustaches are received in countries around the world? Is it different than in the U.S.?
A: In the U.K., Germany, Mexico, Sweden, Denmark, Israel and many more, the mustache is very well-received. There is at least one person or cultural icon in each culture's history or past
that I resemble and if all else fails I am awarded the honorable title of Frank Zappa.
Whether I am at a publisher's conference in Boca Raton, Florida or a pub in East, London, I find that the biggest, macho guys will always buy me a beer. Multiple guys have walked up to me on a dark street or in a bar and just think that I am going to be punched, I get a hi-five, compliment, beer or all three. Never thought my that my stache would be a passport to global modern uber-macho society, but I am very glad. This passport of mine has allowed me to connect with people who I probably would have never talked to otherwise.
The only problem is that, I find myself answering the same questions over and over again, but hey, I guess it comes with the territory. It is very easy to rely on one's stache as their identity as opposed to an identifying mark or expression of oneself. Facial hair should not define a person, so one has to be careful not to let their whole social web revolve around it, but unlike youth and hair on the top of a man's head, one can most likely have their stache, if they want it to the grave.
They say that your fingernails and hair can continue to grow after one has passed. So youth and beauty may fade but the stache will never die. A stache is a terrible thing to waste or misuse. It can be a friendly ally or a deadly weapon, a parasite that wears it's host or a extension of one's self and manhood. It is up you. Only you have the power to stop stache abuse.
Q: If you have to choose between shaving and losing a limb which would you choose and why?
A: Seriously? Come on, you cheeky questionnaires. I am not going to answer that. My stache of course. Take everything, but don't take my stache. On my driver's license, I have donated my organs, but most importantly my stache. I am a stache donor. Your legs will grow back, but your stache might never.
Q: How do women react to your mustache? Are you single?
A: I am a single dependent, when and who you catch me with. Looking is free, but touching costs. The good news is that you get a free mustache ride with every purchase. Women and girls alike are intrigued by it. They always want to touch it and want to know what it feels like to kiss a geezer with a big mustache.
I was talking with a beautiful Australian strawberry-blonde creative director from London, who was telling me that men of the stache can get away with a lot more than those with a lack thereof. For example, when we wink it is cute and funny as opposed to the man with a lack of upper lip machismo whose wink comes off as weird and slimy. A wink and a kiss from a man with a mustache tickles the soul.
A: Do you have any special techniques for grooming your mustache?
A: Special technique, huh? Ok, I will give you one good secret technique for the stache that has everything. Try washing your stache with beer before manipulating it with or without an aid or product. This was a well-kept Bavarian secret until I did this interview.
Q: Who is your mustache hero and why?
A: Günter Rosin, who is the current World Hungarian Mustache Champion. He has one of the most well groomed, tasteful and elegant pieces of facial hair, that I have ever seen anywhere. A German Champion, having competed in fifty-one competitions and receiving 1st place fifty of those times. Picture a German with an even sun tan, salt and pepper hair fashioned in a slightly grown out crew cut, and the most magnificent stallion of a stache you have ever seen.
A silver stallion of a stache that sits upon this well tanned man with a contrast that resembles the color combo of a 1966 or 1967 silver Avante with chocolate brown or dark tan interior. This stache is perfect in symmetry, color shape size and it fits it's owner's face perfectly.
Many Hungarian men have mustaches that border Bullwinkle or old-school-comic-cool, but not every day can be Halloween. Well, maybe it can, but this man's stache is big without being too big. This is one of the reasons he always wins. Remember, it is not how big or long your stache is, but how well groomed it is and how well it suits you as demonstrated by the Hungarian Mustache Champion.
Q: Did your father or mother have a mustache?
A: My father grew mustaches, goatees and beards when we used to go on family vacations, but never rode a stache to freedom like some of us from the old world. Although, I do remember being a kid and raising money for the American Heart Association. I used to participate in a program called Jump For Heart, not stache for cash.
I was a little boy at the ripe old age of eight or nine. He use to work for Bear Stearns and I recall going around his office pitching all the brokers on the charity, because I wanted the remote control car, video games, and pizza party for my class that came with raising the most money for the charity. I was always one who did things for the right reasons. ;) Anyway, it was there that I encountered my first white platinum handle bar mustache. I could barely speak when I saw it.
I walked into the office of this broker, he may have even been a partner and I forgot my whole pitch. He has the second nicest stache I have ever seen. I forgot my pitch and that is when I fell into the web of facial hair fashion. It is a day I will never forget. It was the day I saw a grayscale Imperial Mustache in it's natural habitat.
Q: If you could tell the young people something about the experience of growing a mustache, what would you tell them?
A: Go to your local mustache dealership and see if there is a mustache that is right for you. Mustaches are not for everyone and should not be used without a permit in the state of California. You're a man, start looking like one. Wear your stache and wear it with dignity. It is not a piece of hipster-cred that you use to score cool points; although, you will get a lot.
It is something that takes commitment and requires maintenance, patience and care. A truly well grown and groomed mustache is not for fad-fed fake and bake fashionistas, for by the time you are half way there, the trend is over and you can't wear your new chartreuse spandex with red sequin ticker symbols on it, for every good style-o-phile knows that it will clash with the stache.
Q: Were you honored to be part of the U.S. team at the World Beard & Mustache Championships this year?
A: I represented my country proudly. Even in the U.K., Americans are not well-liked. Before the championships, during the parade of facial hair factions people from atop of buildings threw a light assortment of vegetables and other lovely treats at the American flag holders.
I was on a mission of diplomacy for my country. Our country is that of many colors, peoples and opinions and it is important that we can show our differences in a respectful way. We need all the p.r. we can get and on all fronts. So, I did my part to the best of my ability.
Q: How has the experience shaped your worldview?
A: My world view is constantly being reshaped, but meeting so many genuine people from all over the world that share a similar pride in their manhood, culture and their facial hair was a lovely thing. Even when there were language barriers and we could not totally understand each other, we still found ways of communicating. It was a meeting of the staches, but not in the romantic sense. Well, at least not for me. I can't speak for all staches of nations. I am only one Champion.
Q: You have your own clothing line with partner Ashley Hester called "Alexander Antoinette." Tell us how you shape an outfit to suit a mustache appropriately?
A: An outfit is a lot like a mustache in the sense that it should fit the person. A stache is like an accessory and once grown, one may not be able to wear the same styles of clothing that they maybe previously wore without there being a clash or looking too costumy and not in a good way. As a man lost in antiquity that also takes his cues from many decades in the 20th century, it was a difficult task. I am El Conquistador. I am a American and I am me, so this was a difficult task.
I can't speak for others, because my outfit was an amalgamation of influences tweeded in a bowl of elegantly wasted pasts. I am one, who looks forward to the past. In an interview with Time and the BBC, I described my couture creation as "Southern Civil War Vermeer meets Rajestani Rock N Roll Eleganza." In order to find or design an outfit that fits your stache, one must dig through the past and present to find inspiration. Even if one only sees things that they don't like, it is ok, because this is an important part in shaping one's taste.
A lot of people from Marc Jacobs to many of The World Beard and Mustache competitors draw from a heritage or uniform that they relate to either visually, culturally or both and use that as a base for their creation. They then start the customizing, personalization or ornamentation process and obviously, do so while wearing their outfit.
The only advice I can say, is be imaginative and tasteful. I love spinal tap, but if the World Beard and Mustache Championships turns into something like that, then it will lose the charm and authenticity that makes it such an interesting and odd, yet beautiful festival and culture of celebratory people.
Q: You are also a musician. Tell us how your music is shaped, if at all, by your facial hair?
A: I am a Conquistador. My facial hair is part of my visual identity. I wear myself inside out. Should we choose to use it articulately and well, personal adornment is a mode of communication and form of expression.
My stache like many others is rebellion without noise or words. The modern world is obsessed with youth and the male idea of aesthetic beauty is not one of a man, but a boy. I am a man and I am proud to be a man and proud to have conquered puberty. This is one way I can express that idea.
I, like many others consciously and unconsciously are challenging convention, because we do not agree with it. It is great to be young, but it is also a special thing to reach manhood and it is something that should be embraced not denied, or something to be ashamed of. We are men and we are proud.
My music is that of a living thing, but it is more than just melody and words. It is something that is meant to emote, inspire, challenge, amuse and uplift and this visual representation of my inner-self is another component of my music. All of these forms of expression overflow into one another forming the sea of Conquistador.
